The Story of Appa Esme

I lost my sweet girl very suddenly to hemangiosarcoma at just 7-years-old on Thanksgiving, 2024. One morning, she tried to get up and collapsed. I had heard her start to breathe heavy in the night and whine briefly, I thought it was just because the room was warm, and her sibling took her spot on the bed. I was unable to carry her myself to the car, so a friend had to come help me that morning. I knew something was very wrong apart from the collapse, she was not herself. Normally, due to her strong, sassy, and elegant personality, she did not like being picked up, have her paws touched too much, and definitely did not want her belly touched. She was letting me do all of these things that day. That was easily the worst day of my life. It was a long day of tests, waiting, and discussions. The veterinarian quickly realized she was bleeding internally from masses on her spleen, lungs, and liver, it was hemangiosarcoma. It was likely that it had spread to many of her blood vessels, explaining why she collapsed and was so weak. This was the first had heard of any of these masses. It was happening all so fast. By the end of the day, Appa was so weak and lethargic, surgery was not an option for Appa as her outcomes were unsure, we compassionately put her down. She died in mine and my husband's arms so peacefully. I will never forget watching her be wheeled away on a stretcher with a blanket over her and her paws sticking out. I have so much guilt from her loss. The months leading up to her demise were not the ones I would have chosen. I did not take her on as many walks as she deserved, bought her pup-cups, or took her for car rides to grandma's house. We were a little more pre-occupied with our son who was recently hospitalized and of course with work as my husband was finishing school. I also felt guilty for not trying, not having the vet just try surgery or an infusion and listening to my husband and vet to be kind to her and euthanize her. However, the research I conducted the days following has provided so much clarity. I learned that even if surgery was successful, there is no guarantee she would have been able to walk again. Her longevity was indeed days with how forgone the hemangiosarcoma was. I wanted to share all of the resources that have aided me during this stressful time in the hopes it may help support and guide others, even if it is just one person. Pet loss tends to be disenfranchised, when in reality it is a paramount loss.

This photo was taken of Appa at our wedding on February 11th, 2022. We eloped on the enchanted Rialto Beach on the west coast with just our two dogs. Appa was a very beautiful dog, she looked so stunning as my matron of honor. Appa lived a very adventurous life with lots of traveling and hikes. At home, she was so loved and was given a life of luxury as she was allowed to sleep on our bed, dwell on our couches, given so many treats, played with many other dog friends, and was given all the kisses and cuddles she would allow. Appa was such a unique dog. She would cover her poop like a cat, bite down her own nails as she hated getting her nails trimmed, was talkative, the softest and most beautiful dog you will ever meet, had such a spicy yet sweet attitude, and she loved to poop in water (lakes, beaches, puddles, etc.). Appa will never be forgotten; she is my soul dog. The pain of losing her is easily worth the pain of having her. Rest easy my beautiful Appa Esme.